The Maid of the Mushrooms
by AGP1990
Summary: A Mario-based variant of The Wind in the Willows in which Princess Peach becomes addicted to her new motorcycle much like Mr. Toad was to his car.


Luigi was cleaning his mansion for the spring, and it had been quite a long time since he had done so. Ever since October, when he won it in a contest he didn't remember entering, it had been dirty and dusty. Spring was all around, and he had never seen it since he set foot in the mansion. He was so pleased to see the sunlight creep through, and so pleased with its warmth, that as soon as he was finished he went outside and rolled on the grass, praising the season of life.

Across the river there lived Luigi's older but shorter twin brother, Mario, in the house that the two of them had bought when they came to the Mushroom Kingdom. He had finished his own spring cleaning, and he was hoping to visit his brother.

"What a splendid day!" said Mario.

"Indeed it is!" replied Luigi.

"Say, have you been to the Princess' castle lately?" asked the red brother.

"Not really," answered the green brother. "I've been busy using the Poltergust 5000 on my home."

"But that was back in October!" cried Mario. "This is April!"

"I know that, Mario," said Luigi, "but now that it's time for spring cleaning, I can use it on my house."

So they conversed, as they walked across the luscious landscape of the Mushroom Kingdom, wondering how lovely the countryside looked. "Let us to the castle!" cried the brothers.

They passed a quaint little cottage belonging to Peach's cousin, Annie MacDonald. Although she was only twenty-seven and already married, she had sealed herself away from society to care for her husband Angus and four-year-old son, Malcolm. Luigi knocked nervously at the door. Annie, who had blonde hair and granny glasses, answered it. "Oh, Mario and Luigi," she said. "What dae ye two want noo?"

"Annie," Luigi said, "It is such a fine day. Would you care for a visit with your cousin, Princess Peach?"

"Nay!" she exclaimed. "Dinna ye ken that I hae people to care for?"

"We do know that," said Mario, "but ever since you got married, you've been one of the few oysters that never exposes the pearls."

"Me ain home is mair important tae me than company, Mario," she snapped.

"You'll regret it when your cousin gets kidnapped again," Mario sighed, and the brothers left.

"What a crankshaft she is for her twenties," Luigi said.

"No matter," said Mario. "We were to the castle, were we not?"

"We were," answered Luigi. "The Princess will be pleased to see us!"

At the castle they saw Princess Peach who, against her customs, decided to do her own spring cleaning by trimming the hedges and pulling out all the Piranha Plants in the yard. She was interrupted by Mario and Luigi and decided to let them help her. Mario pulled all the Piranha Plants and Luigi planted some roses in the garden.

As soon as they had finished Peach showed the brothers her lovely sports car. "What a beauty it is!" she said, lighting a cigarette. And she whizzed round the castle as if she knew naught about danger.

"When first we met you, Princess," said Mario, "you were drawn to horses, and I believe you still have your old one, Kurt."

"Well, you know," said she, "a horse is indeed a horse, and of course I will show you Kurt."

"I hope I don't wind up singing that song for the rest of my life," said Luigi, annoyed with _Mister Ed_ for many years.

In a little while they were in front of the stable, where a grayish-brown bronco stood before them. "Why, hello there," he said in a Pacific Northwest voice to the two plumbers, shocking them immensely as he spoke.

"Well, I've seen a horse talking," said Mario, "but none, it turns out, quite like this."

"I can see it," agreed Luigi, "but I don't believe it either."

"She hardly rides me anymore," sighed Kurt, "but at least she still cares for me while I'm at peace."

"She almost never is," said Mario, "but how can you?"

"I used to be the fastest Bronco in the Mushroom Kingdom," answered Kurt proudly, "and I won all but one race in my life. It was the Mushroom Kingdom last year, and when I finished second the Princess withdrew me from racing. Now I'm devoted to my own peace."

"Peace? You mean like this?" Luigi asked, breaking into this song:

"Come on people now

Smile on your brother

Everybody get together

Try to love one another right now!"

"Of course not," Kurt said. "I'm talking about my own personal peace."

"Well, nice to meet you Kurt," said Mario.

"Hope to see you again soon," said Luigi.

"I'll let you know about the Princess," said Kurt. Little did the three of them know that when they left, she went off into town to buy herself a new motorcycle.

Still wishing to make acquaintance with Annie, the brothers went over to her house again, hoping that she should be more cheerful. Mario knocked on the door this time, and was greeted by a brown-haired bearded man just shy of thirty. "Guid evenin'," he said. "I dinna ken that we hae met afore, laddies. Who be ye?"

"I'm Mario and this is my brother, Luigi."

"Aye, Mario, noo I ken. Ye saved the Princess, didna ye?"

"Exactly," said Mario, "and I've done it plenty of times."

"But you haven't told us about yourself," said Luigi. "What's your name?"

"Me name's Angus MacDonald," continued the bearded man, "and me wife and I cam' here frae Glesca when we got mairrit."

"Well," said Luigi, "where is your wife, Angus?"

"Ye're just in time for dinner, laddies. She's cookin' roast lamb in the kitchen."

At the very moment Annie and a young boy came in. "Angus!" she cried, staring at Mario and Luigi rather than the man she had addressed. "What are those two daein' here?"

"Perhaps they want to talk to you, Mither," said the boy, who knew some Scots but, having been born in the Mushroom Kingdom, spoke normal English. "Maybe Faither knows about it."

"Is what Malcolm telt me true, Angus?" she asked

"Aye, it is. Mario and Luigi here want tae talk tae ye, Annie," said Angus. Annie nearly fainted, having heard the names of the two people she had shunned earlier that afternoon.

When she recovered, Mario and Luigi were sitting next to her in front of a hot roast lamb dinner. "What dae ye want noo?" she asked.

"Well, with Princess Peach always in danger," said Mario, "it seems that she'll get kidnapped again, but I don't know exactly."

"I heard tell," said Angus, "that she bocht a new motorcycle this efternoon. Isna that sae, Annie?"

"Aye, Angus," Annie answered. "I wasna mair concerned aboot her bein' kidnapped as I was aboot her crashin' the thing."

"Given her history of obsessions with horses and cars," said Luigi, "it may soon be her own addiction to her motorcycle. What will happen then?"

But there came no answer. Annie was too nervous to utter another word. The two brothers thanked her for dinner and left. As they were at the river separating the brothers' two houses they heard Princess Peach, mounted on her new steed and wearing her motorcycle helmet, singing a little song to herself:

"The world has shown great women,

As history-books will teach;

But never a name to go down to fame

Compared with that of Peach!

"Snow White knew well her fairness

Beyond her own kingdom's vast reach:

But she pales too much in comparison

To the lovely Princess Peach!

"The King of the Boos inside the mansion

Delivered his ghastly speech.

Who was the one maid wasn't afraid?

Courageous Princess Peach!

"The army all saluted

As they marched along the beach.

Was it Victoria? Or Verna?

No. It was Princess Peach.

"'O, Oysters, come and walk with us!'

The Walrus did beseech.

'I want you to meet Her Royal Highness,

And we call her Princess Peach!'"

The two brothers sighed and went back to their respective abodes, unaware of what would happen to her next. At least they lived in clean homes, so that was something.

The next morning the two brothers were astonished that so unsafe a princess as the one they'd rescued so much had chosen so unsafe a vehicle as a motorcycle. The two brothers were nervous.

"She'll hurt somebody, including herself!" cried Mario.

"She'll wreck it!" shouted Luigi.

"SHE'LL KILL HERSELF!" they collectively yelled. They saw her on her motorcycle as she did a wheelie on it. She just giggled and rode away, singing:

"The brothers heard her mighty steed roar,

Her tires an awful screech.

What was it did a wheelie for them?

Why, the sportive Princess Peach!"

Not long after she got into an accident with her cousin, Princess Daisy. She had only meant to wave hello to her, but when a Koopa Troopa going the opposite way sped past her Peach accidentally scratched and dented Daisy's car in several places. Luckily, nobody was hurt, but a major lawsuit ensued.

The judge was an elderly Toad, and Peach and Daisy were being asked a series of question about the matter. Daisy said that what happened was an accident, while Peach admitted the same, except that she just wanted to say hello to her cousin. In the end, the jury declared princess Peach guilty, her consequence being thirty days in prison.

On the night of her incarceration she was sitting in her cell, hoping for a way to escape. Suddenly she saw Daisy outside. "You know, Peach," she said, "you are innocent, I am sure."

"I am?" Peach asked. "But _how_?"

"There was a Koopa going the opposite way," explained Daisy, "and he was headed for your castle. I don't know why, but it looked as if he were about to kidnap you."

Peach gasped. "Not my castle!" she cried. "If Bowser doesn't kidnap me, he'll most certainly take it over! Let us to the castle at once!"

So together they went to see what was going on. However, after Peach had dressed as a harem girl the police were hot on their tail. Daisy's car had just been repaired and they escaped into the night, heading for Mario's home.

Mario was enjoying a nice evening, his bent billiard pipe gripped in his teeth and his terry-cloth robe o'er his clothes. He had just finished watching a favourite movie of his, _It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World_ , when he heard a knock on the door. "Come in!" he said.

"Mario!" cried Princess Peach. "My castle is under siege again, and I'm not even in it!"

"Perhaps Bowser plans to take the deed to the castle!" exclaimed Mario. "Let us to Luigi's!"

Luigi, also wearing a terry-cloth robe and smoking a cigar with his spectacles on, was interrupted from reading his favourite novel, _Lord Jim_ , with a violent knock on the door. "Who could that be?" he wondered as he opened it.

Peach stormed in. "LUIGI! I need you to help me! The Koopas are after my castle!"

"Calm down, Princess," said Luigi. "Maybe we should contact the MacDonalds."

"But they never leave their house," said Daisy, "or at least they don't stray far from it. Poor Annie is such a stingy woman sometimes."

"Then let's head over there," said Mario.

Not much longer they came upon the house. Angus answered it. "It's Mario agen, Annie," he said.

"Tell him he can dae wi'oot us," Annie said.

"She says nay," said Angus sadly.

"She can't!" cried Peach. "We need your help! The Koopas will take my castle and we need to retrieve the deed to it!"

"I'll dae it for ye, Peach," said Annie, "but I canna leave Malcolm alone. He canna gae oot wi' strangers like Mario."

"Alack," sighed Angus, "then I'll deal wi' oor bairn mesel'."

When they reached the castle, Toadsworth was in a great panic. "It's worse than you being kidnapped, Princess!" he cried. "They've taken the deed to the castle!"

"But how will we get in Bowser's Castle?" Mario asked.

"There's a secret underground passage to it," explained Toadsworth. "The problem is that it's voice activated and I don't know what the password is."

"I suppose it's 'Hail Bowser, King of the Koopas,'" said Luigi.

"If that's it," said Toadsworth, "then I'll be a Koopa's father!"

"Join us, then!" cried Peach boldly. And with torches, pistols and knives, the party set out for the castle of Bowser, to whom the deed had been given. "Hail Bowser, King of the Koopas!" bellowed Princess Peach, wearing her pink jumpsuit, in her best masculine voice even though she knew she was a soprano. The passage revealed a stairway to the castle's basement, which was completely vacant and hardly used.

Bowser was seated in his suit and robe in the middle of the dining room amid many a Koopa Troopa drinking beer in his name. Not disappointed that he had not kidnapped Princess Peach, he was rather pleased at having taken over her castle. As he slept Mario attempted to grab the deed from him. As he grabbed it Bowser woke up, seeing his archenemy on him.

Koopa Troopa upon Koopa Troopa attacked them as Princess Peach cleverly threw paper airplanes looking like the deed itself. Mario and Luigi stepped on plenty of them and sent them ricocheting around the room. In the midst of the mêlée Peach grabbed the real deed and hid it in the jumpsuit that she was wearing.

Annie grabbed a torch and flung it in the middle of the room. "FIRE!" cried Bowser. Then he noticed that something was missing. "The deed! IT'S GONE! **NOOOOO**!"

The party quickly fled the castle, watching it burn to rubble. Bowser was the lone survivor of the fire, and he was escorted into an ambulance immeditely after it ended.

"Well," sighed Annie, "we made it oot, but we didna get the deed."

"That's what you think," said Princess Peach triumphantly, pulling out the deed from her jumpsuit.

"Amazing!" cried Mario. "It is the deed!"

"How did you know that was it," asked Luigi, "and what the others were in comparison?"

"The paper airplanes I threw were all blanks," said Peach, "and the deed was the only piece of paper with text on it."

"At last the castle is saved!" cried Toadsworth.

"I forgive you for the accident," said Daisy, "and I hope this teaches you a lesson."

"A very good one, too," added Annie.

"Not that Koopas are asses," said Peach, "but that obsessions must sooner or later come to an end."

So they all drank to a new Peach and a new year for her. She was indeed an altered Princess Peach! Mario married her shortly after the deed was returned. Luigi married Daisy as well. Annie remained secluded but gave up being cranky. Bowser could never afford to rebuild another castle. And the Maid of the Mushrooms lived happily ever after.


End file.
